


They left no instructions,  Just a legacy to protect

by The_Fennec_Wolf



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: A character study of Erin and my sad headcanons for her, Anxiety, Blood, Cutting, Depression, Erin needs all the love and family and the Ghostbusters are that family, F/F, Graphic Description of Self Harm/ Injury, Kevin actually is a good hugger., Low Self Esteem, Mention of Mental Illness in families, Poor Self Care, References to Depression, Scars, Self Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Slightly not dim Kevin, Tags to be added as needed, Title comes from Hamilton the musical
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-08-20
Packaged: 2018-07-26 10:44:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7571197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Fennec_Wolf/pseuds/The_Fennec_Wolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>" I am the one thing in life I can control." ~ Wait for It, Hamilton </p><p> </p><p>Erin Gilbert prides herself on her control. She keeps her life in perfect order, just the way its suppose to be. At least, until some man comes into her lecture hall, sending her on a crash course into her former (and only) friend. Along with her incredibly confident and beautiful (women can call other women beautiful, right?) new lab partner. </p><p>A character study of Erin Gilbert and how she finds a family and falls in love with a beautiful and wild blonde engineer. Slow-burn Holtzbert/Gilmann (whatever it is called). Triggering content covered in tags.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. But there are things that the Homilies and hymns won't teach ya

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my attempt at writing something for the Holtzmann/Gilbert ship (Holtzbert/ Gilmann/ Cute fucking science nerds? tell me what its being called). The fic will take place over the movie and probably after. It does deal with anxiety, depression, and self harm so please, do not read if these things trigger you. 
> 
> And if you want to talk to me more about how much I feel for these fluffy nerds, hit me up at thefennecwolf on tumblr :) Chapter 1 now edited thanks to my amazing beta Paige (condemnedbysunset)

Erin Gilbert has always been one for control. Ever since she saw the ghost of her neighbor scowling at her, the brunette had been obsessed with making sure that everything had a proper place. The four therapists she saw in her childhood described it as an extreme manifestation of both anxiety and separation anxiety, which could result in an extreme need for control and order. Her parents eventually gave up sending her by the time she was twelve, realizing that the stack of paranormal and science books she’d borrowed from the library was continuing to grow  \-  a fact that made the children she went to school with taunt her even more than the fact that she believed in ghosts  (or the miniature pants suits that her mother bought for her ).

 

Once she ended middle school, Erin was the pariah of her peers. No matter how hard she tried, she was unable to make a single friend , a  fact that continued until Abby Yates walked into her life during Junior year. Abby, who defended against the other students and their taunts, by saying she believed in ghosts too.  Thanks to this,  for the next several years she knew what it was like to have a best friend. If she was being honest  \-  what having a sister was like and unconditional support of the truth. 

 

But the pressures of needing to be normal, to live up to the expectations that her parents pushed upon her caught up like a truck slamming into her chest at a hundred miles an hour, shattering whatever happiness she had carefully crafted. With the pieces fractured, she pushed Abby away and set about crafting the perfect life with as much precision as she could. Without Abby, without late night talks about physics and how it’s properties could apply to ghosts, Erin was able to create the life society told her that she should have. 

 

It was easy \-  If easy meant crippling loneliness, anxiety, and self doubt, then yes \-  it was easy for her. She kept her spaces organized, threw herself into her work, and left herself no time for self pity. Her emotions she kept boxed into a tiny ball, shoving it deep inside of herself. But, somehow, it’d still well up, reminding her of her guilt at how she broke off her ties with Abby, about how her dreams of what her future looked like were slipping further and further away from her. 

 

When she found her emotions getting out of control, she discovered a way to push them back into the box. Pain. She’d discovered this when she was eleven and had gotten her first D on an assignment (something relating to a spelling test) and got a finger cut when she was crumbling up the paper. The pain shocked her out of her humiliation as she watched the blood slowly rise up to the surface of her skin. For a few moments, all she could feel was the sharp sting of the paper cut. 

 

From there, it was a series of trial and error to figure out what formula would work. She had always been good at math and science so it took her little time to figure it out. Scissors across her thighs fifteen times if she felt too tired and broken to function, a reminder that she was actually alive. Razor blades across her wrist to her inner elbow thirty times if her chest was too tight and head swimming while her heart hammered away at her ribs. 

 

There were other variables, sometimes she had to do more or less, or settle for punching a wall till her knuckles were red and split, blood slowly oozing out of them. But it was a system that worked for Erin. All she had to do was make it to getting ten yeared at Columbia, then everything would be okay. That’s what she reminded herself every day. 

 

At least until  some  man showed up, clutching a book that was crafted over too much cheap pizza and ramen after a few joints, claiming that the mansion he worked at was haunted. 

  
  


\-------- 

 

It took Erin two hours to clean herself up before finally being able to go to Abby’s lab. (Her fingers weren’t steady when she held the razor, wanting to push away the anxiety that was clawing at her stomach, causing it to dig in deeper than she meant, staining the two button up shirts she’d tried to cover the bandages she ended up using) . A lab would be putting it nicely. To Erin, it looked like her great-uncle’s garage, a hoard of spare parts, junk food, and some unidentified smell. She wasn’t sure what was worse in the moment. 

 

The ache to talk to her former best friend or the anger that Abby would risk Erin’s future by keeping the book around and putting it up on Amazon  \-  in the end, it’s a mixture of anxiety and anger that has her digging her nails into her palms, struggling to keep it together as Abby brushes her aside, trying to get the take out guy to remove her. It’s at that moment she finally notices Jillian Holtzmann, studying her with an intensity that she’s rarely had applied to her. 

 

Almost as if behind the yellow tinted goggles, the blonde is trying to find her soul and slowly take it apart by pulling at its seams to see what made it tick.  Under the fabric of her tweed skirt suit, she struggled not  to  blush, trying to keep her body temperature from rising. The scientist tried to reason it was just her anxiety, digging her nails into palms even more.  Erin could feel her frustration rising as Holtzmann managed to trick her into listening to the queef recording and could tell by how her cheeks were burning that she was blushing. 

 

Her nails were slowly starting to slip and caused her to press even harder. Erin tried to not lose her control but it was rapidly slipping as Abby dragged the reason why she was there, after six years of silence between them. And once she heard it was a ghost, it was like a tornado trying to escape the lab. Erin was struggling to keep from shouting as she chased after Abby and Holtzmann, trying to finish what she had come here to do. All she wants is the book to be gone, pulled off of Amazon, to put her life back into order. 

 

But Abby won’t let her have her order, not until Erin came with them to the mansion. After that, the book would be pulled off of Amazon and her life could go back to normal. Staring at Abby, she knew that she should say no. That calling a lawyer and suing her former and only friend to get the book off Amazon was the best course of action. Erin looked at Abby, seeing determination reflected in her former friend’s gaze. She also can see the small glimmer of hope that seemed hidden behind all the anger. 

 

All she can remember is that she said yes and got in, after making sure that Abby meant it. 

  
  
  


\------

 

Ghosts were real. That’s what she came away with as she screamed on the street covered in slime. Erin couldn’t recall when she had felt more joyful in the past six years. She didn’t stop feeling joyful until she came home, looking in the mirror, trying to not cringe at the sight of herself. The redhead is covered in dried green goop, feeling it stick to places that  it  shouldn’t be sticking to. 

 

It takes her no time to strip  off  her clothes and rush into the shower. She doesn’t care that the water is too hot and that she hisse s  in pain, scrubbing at her skin so hard it turns an angry pink. 

 

_ Ghosts aren’t real, _ she can hear her parents tell her before her father slams his palm down on the dinner table, causing her eight year old self to jump. The man who’s eyes are normally warm and filled with laughter are cold, filled with disappointment. She can remember the sound of the newspaper crumbling in his hand before he spoke. 

 

_ Ghosts aren’t real, so get this fucking nonsense out of your goddamn head now.  _ It’d be years before she learned about how his mother was a schizophrenic, who raved about seeing ghosts and demons hidden behind every nook and cranny. Part of her always wondered if her father’s outburst and quick shipping her into therapy was out of fear his mother’s illness had been passed into her DNA.  She could recall how her parents changed after that night. Erin watched them pull away, their annoyance growing with each book she read on the paranormal. She could recall their thinly veiled disgust when she brought Abby home and their late night talks of ghosts. 

 

Without thinking, she scrubbed harder, wincing as she broke the barely formed scabs on her forearms. Her eyes locked on the drain, watching green slime and bright red blood mix together, swirling down the drain. Erin screwed her eyes shut, leaning her forehead against the wall as she struggled to reconcile the events of the day. 

 

Ghosts were real. She’d seen one, as clear as day, just before it unleashed a torrent of ectoplasm onto her clothes. And now, she was watching the evidence slither down her drain, turning into a sickly yellow gunk. Slowly, she pulled away and caught a glimpse of her arms. Erin noticed some of the ectoplasm sticking to the cuts in her arms and the small cuts in her palms from her nails. 

 

It takes her another twenty minutes to get the ghost junk out of her wounds before she steps out of the shower. Erin had to force herself to put new bandages on her arms along with band-aids for her palms before collapsing into bed, not even bothering to put on clothes. With practiced movements, she wrapped herself in a fuzzy green blanket and managed to fall asleep after an hour of struggling to get comfortable. 

  
  
  


\------

  
  


She felt her face burn when the Dean of Science showed her the video that she had taken the night before. Whatever triumph she had left faded under his stern glare. Erin struggled to try and make it right, to tell him that it was real, that there was evidence of ghosts but, the Dean slid a single pink slip across his desk. It was easy to push back her tears as she tried to walk through the halls. What wasn’t easy was to ignore the stares and whispers that followed her as she left the building. 

 

Erin felt a tear fall once she was outside the Science wing of Columbia and tried to figure out where to go next. It took her five minutes to realize that she could join Abby and Hotlzmann in their basement lab. After all, they were able to find proof of ghosts...and where else could she go? She managed to flag down a cab, juggling the two boxes of her personal effects as she got in. It took all of her willpower to not pick at the bandages she had under her shirt. 

 

Instead, she distracted herself by counting the buildings that went by. She managed to get to 342 when she made it to the college that Abby and Holtzmann worked in. Erin’s walk was slow and hesitant, trying to figure out how to explain why she was showing up like this. The moment she opens the door to the lab, it doesn’t take Abby very long to figure out what happened. Abby ,  who surprisingly has welcomed her back with open arms and promised that the three of them could continue their research here. 

 

While Abby is thinking of what to say to the Dean, Erin nearly jumped out of her skin when something pokes her shoulder. She turned to stare at Holtzmann, who has her head tilted to the side, much like a dog regarding what it was seeing in front of her.

 

“Here.” Holtzmann took one of the boxes from her, setting it on an empty desk while Erin tried to ignore the small spark from when their hands touched. It was just static shock, Erin reasoned  with  herself. The blonde leaned against the desk before patting it with a large smile. 

 

“This one is yours.” Erin just stared, shocked a little, trying to understand why the fact the engineer was smiling at her caused her heart to speed up. It had to be the fact the blonde was being nice to her after a terrible day. 

 

“Thank you.” She managed to get out, managing a smile of her own. Erin set down the other box, turning to speak when Abby hollered. 

 

“Hey, I got us a meeting with the dean. Let’s go, mucha ch os.” Abby called out to them. Holtzmann nodded before turning back to Erin with a sly grin and doing a finger pistol at her, causing an unfamiliar warmth to spread through her body.  

  
“You heard her, let’s go get some more money.” Erin managed to nod and followed after them, tugging on her sleeves as she followed the other two women. She let herself slowly begin to hope that maybe , just maybe, things were slowly starting to get better. They couldn’t get any worse, right? 


	2. We rise and we fall And we break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin struggles with not having a job and trying to find a place to continue the pursuit of paranormal research. And gets an eyeful of a certain blonde actor. At least until a subway worker comes in talking about a ghost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please, please be aware that this chapter does contain graphic depiction of self harm. If you at all triggered by this subject, then please do not read. We also get to see a bit of Sassy Holtzmann in here too. So enjoy. And thanks again to my beta reader, Paige :)

She can’t say that she is surprised when the dean tells them no. Nor is she surprised at him dismissing their choice of research. Erin felt her eyes dart back and forth between Abby and the dean, watching her...friend, can she call her a friend again, verbally spar with him. The physicist looked at Abby before turning to look at the dean. 

 

“ I have two words to say to you.” She couldn’t help the sarcasm that slipped out. 

 

“Let me guess. Get out?” Abby gently touched her arm and shook her head. 

 

“No he’s going to say suck it.” Erin frowned at her words. 

She shouldn’t have been surprised that Abby was right. What shocked her was the fact the Dean continued to dismiss them before flipping them off for several moments. The brunette struggled to hide her humiliation at being talked to that way, ducking her head down. Erin slowly swallowed, hoping to keep the tears from falling. 

 

“You know what?” Her head jerked over to look at Holtzmann, shocked at the blonde standing up and glaring at the dean.  Erin was more surprised at what came out of her mouth. 

 

“You can suck my fucking clit you dipshit.” She could clearly see Holtzmann flip him off before storming out. All she can do is follow stunned, watching the blonde. Her teeth worried her lip as she watched how Holtzmann’s walk just seemed to radiate unbroken confidence and an unbroken energy that was barely contained within Holtzmann’s physical form. Shaking her head, Erin just quietly helped the two women pack, just nodding when Abby ranted, not really hearing what she was saying. 

 

Her thoughts were swirling around in her head and she was surprised the others couldn’t hear them screaming as they bounced against her skull cavity.  _ You threw away your life you stupid bitch! How could you be so fucking dumb, you worthless piece of shit?! _ Erin just bit the inside of her cheek, trying to keep from tearing at her skin. 

 

It wasn’t until she was outside, helping Abby and Holtzmann push the horde of possibly explosive and unstable equipment, that she talked. Her skin was crawling with what felt like a thousand gigawatts rushing through her. Erin wasn’t sure if she was having a heart attack with the way her head was spinning while her heart was tapping out a rapid staccato beat. If she was being honest with herself, she was starting to see spots on the edge of her vision. 

 

“It’s just a minor setback.” Before Abby could say anymore, Erin felt her mouth open and words began to tumble out. 

 

“ No, guys I think we can really do this.” The words continued to tumble out, unaware of what she was saying. All she wanted to do was start to laugh at the end but was instead, stunned by Abby’s words. 

 

“ Hey look at that, there’s the old Erin I use to know. Welcome back.”  Erin felt everything slow as she processed Abby’s words. All she could do was manage a small smile before mumbling. 

 

“Well, thank you.” Whatever warm feelings she felt were soon dashed by the next words that came out of Abby’s mouth. 

 

“We better get moving before they notice this equipment is missing.” Erin was sure her jaw dropped as she managed to get the words out as terror squeezed her heart in a vice grip. 

 

“I thought this equipment was yours!” Her words are almost a hiss. Holtzmann just let out a wicked chuckle. 

 

“Nope ,  stolen!” The impish grin on her face told Erin just how proud she was of herself and made her want to grab the engineer and… Before that train of thought was complete, she could hear the dean screaming behind them. Erin tried to ignore the way her chest constricted even tighter than normal and struggled to stay upright as they ran. 

 

They managed to get away and store the equipment in Abby’s tiny flat, coming up with the idea to look for a place tomorrow. Thankful they were parting ways, Erin booked it back to her own apartment. Her hands shook as she entered before collapsing to the floor, shaking as tears streamed down her face. 

 

Blindly she crawled into her room, digging in her dresser drawer for the box of supplies she kept. Her fingers managed to close around the razor blade and dropped it next to her. Erin couldn’t remember taking off her upper layers of clothing before hissing as the razor dug into her flesh. All she could think was that she wanted the flood of tears and whatever else was running through her body at the moment. 

 

Erin continued to push the razor into her flesh before pulling, determined to make the buzzing inside of her to stop and the hammering of her heart to cease. All she can do is continue to use the razor to rip her skin open, hoping that if she does it enough times, every dark thing would come flying out of her. She’d be normal finally.  The scientist finally feels her tears stop after thirty minutes. 

 

Her fingers let the razor fall onto the floor and grateful that she could finally no longer feel anything. Erin was just numb. Staring at her arms, a small voice in the back of her mind is screaming at her that she’s losing blood at an alarming rate. All Erin can think is she prefered the red liquid trickling down her arms and legs instead of ectoplasm.

 

\----

 

The next day she’s at Abby’s loft and is surprised when Abby announces that she found them a place to set up a lab. Or at the real estate agent that she had called. Erin grit her teeth, trying to ignore the anxiety of not know who this person was and that someone had made plans for her without consulting hr. She knew that Abby meant well but she felt like she was eight years old again, being dragged to Dr. Wu’s office, to be told that she was just imagining her neighbor’s ghost. Taking a deep breath, she excused herself to use the bathroom before they left to meet the agent. 

 

Once inside, Erin didn’t think, stripping of her jacket and rolling up her sleeve on her left arm. Without hesitating, her mouth open and she bit down on her arm as hard as she could. The burst of pain centered her, shocking her back into the present. Erin continued to press her teeth down harder for several more seconds before pulling back. She winced as she looked down at the deep indent, already turning purple at the edges. There would be a bruise later but for now, the scientist was calm. 

 

She carefully made her way back out and made sure to smile at Abby,pretending that take out had made her sick. Soon enough, they’d met up with the real estate agent. Erin couldn’t help but be impressed at the building the agent had found. It was a retired firehouse and had more than enough room to house the equipment at Abby’s loft. Hell, there’s room to grow and create new equipment even. 

 

Erin can’t help but smile fondly at Abby and Holtzmann running around, excitement radiating from like a nuclear leak. She couldn’t help but get caught up in it, daydreaming about having her own office. At least until the real estate agent told her the rent. 

 

“And it’s twenty one thousand a month.” Erin could say the only thing that came to her mind. 

 

“ Burn in hell.” She cringed, hating herself for saying it and for how the real estate agent looked at her. The two of them managed to come to an agreement to find a cheaper place, one above Abby’s favorite Chinese restaurant.  What Erin the most guilty about was the looks on her friends faces when she told them they couldn't get the fire house property. 

 

They decided to move in tomorrow morning and Erin hastily left, claiming that she needed to feed the neighbor's cat. She ended up using her scissors on her hip, leaving angry bleeding marks that were sure to scar once healed. A fitting reminder to never let someone plan for her or get her friends’ hopes up again. 

 

\----

 

The next day, Erin tried to ignore how just how much pain she put herself in. With every step, she can feel the scabs being pulled, threatening to open and spill blood once more. Erin tried to just focus on unpacking her desk. Or at least, she would have, if Holtzmann hadn’t started blasting 80s pop.  She looked over at the blonde, trying to ignore the butterflies in her stomach as the engineer began to dance. 

 

Erin chalked it up to nerves. After all, she’d never gone to any of the dances at her high school and most of her time in college, she was too busy studying to really go out and party. So she wasn’t confident in her dancing. Not like Holtzmann, who apparently had the confidence to dance with blow torches and set things on fire. Her anxiety skyrocketed as she watched the fire on Holtzmann’s desk, trying to keep from screaming. 

 

Thankfully, and with a rather graceful moon walk, Holtzmann put out the fire. She tried to not smile but could feel the corners of her lips twitching. Erin continued to watch Holtzmann before turning to come face to face with a tall and very muscular blond man grinning at her. She could feel her body grow warmer as she felt her face flush. 

 

Erin continued to stare at him, trying to push the a strange gnawing feeling to the back of her mind. It shocked her to learn that he was here to interview and that his name was Kevin. During the interview, sandwiched between Holtzmann and Abby, she tried to be subtle with her flirtations but her anxiety pushed her words out to be messy and awkward.  In the end, she could feel both of her colleagues looking at her, and just became silent, especially at the sight of Holtzmann's raised eyebrow at her before the engineer began to study Kevin. Her fingernails dug into her thighs and twisted, trying to focus on the moment. She was grateful that Abby took over and hired Kevin, telling him that he could bring in his suitcases.   


 

All she wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed after downing a whole bottle of wine. As she prepared to do so, the universe threw a wrench into her plan with a woman waiting to speak to them. She could notice the MT uniform their guest was wearing along with a necklace that read Patty.  Abby tried to persuade her that she should wait for Chinese food down stairs but, Erin stiffened when Patty spoke. 

  
“No, actually, the reason I came here was I saw a ghost.” 


	3. Life doesn't discriminate , Between the sinners and the saints

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin has a near death experience and Patty joins the Ghostbusters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this took me a bit to get done but real life happened. I originally intended for this chapter to be longer but ended up moving some things to the next chapter. To make up for how long it took I've added in a few Holtzbert moments. 
> 
> Please be aware that this chapter does contain more descriptions of self harm and near death experience along with the anxiety that comes with it. If you're triggered by those things, please do not read. If you wanna talk more Ghostbusters/ Holtzbert things, hit me up at thefennecfox on tumblr :)

From the minute Patty (who introduced herself after she mentions the ghost)she’s seen a ghost, everything becomes a whirlwind of motion and packing heavy equipment into a cart. Erin tried to keep it all straight but failed, trying to contain both her excitement from being called onto another ghost hunt and her anxiety from her earlier behavior. Her hands were shaking as she helped load the equipment into the cart. Apparently it was obvious to Holtzmann as she spoke to Erin. 

 

“It wouldn’t bite you, maybe give you mild radiation poison but my babies don’t bite. Unless you’re a ghost.” Erin nearly drops the device and mumbles something, trying to ignore the terror at the idea of radiation poison and possibly losing her hair. Holtzmann gave a little laugh. 

 

“Relax, I’m ninety-seven percent sure your cell phone is worse for you.” The blonde gave her a gentle smile and moved to take the piece of equipment from her. 

 

“Trust me, they’re safe, alright?” With that, Holtzmann moved to continue packing. Erin blushed but nodded, moving to help continue to pack everything up.  She tried to sneak away to the bathroom to try and refocus herself but before she could, a hand grabbed her and began to pull her along. 

 

“Erin! Come on there’s a ghost!” Abby nearly yelled as she tugged her fellow brunette out the door. Erin bit the inside of her cheek to keep from screaming but let herself be dragged along. 

 

\----

 

She hated the smell of dried up piss and human sweat that seem to infuse into the cracks of the New York Subway System. Erin also hated the fact that yet again she got slime on her clothes as they follow Patty into the tunnels in search of the ghost. Part of her barely listened to Patty’s speech on the fact that first prison to use an electric chair to murder people was what the subway tunnel was built on. She was more focused on the fact of this was the second jacket that some ghost had ruined. 

 

From there, what she remembered was a bit fragmented.  She can recall Abby finding pieces of a device and looking over it. And then, the ghost appeared. Her panic spiked at the sight of it materializing, trying to tell herself it was due to the arcs of electricity dancing across the specter’s form. Or that somehow, she wasn’t the one it was staring at. After that, Erin became the one testing the gun that Holtz had made. Part of her wondered if this was Holtz trying to prank her as she stared at the engineer’s manic grin or if it was Holtz being practical as she truly did have the longest arms out of the group. 

 

She can remember her heart rapidly hammering at her ribs as Patty screamed about the express train. Of how sweat ran down her back as she tried to not scream while Patty and Abby were pulling her away from the train. Erin could remember hearing the train as it got closer before Holtzmann’s scream reminded her of the metal collar wrapped around her neck, a grounding mechanism for the gun that she was trying to let go of. 

 

There was a scraping of calloused fingertips against her neck before the collar came undone. Her hands released the gun just as she heard the scream of the train horn. Erin felt her eyes screw shut as the ghost screamed in anger before ectoplasm dosed both her and Abby. Erin was trembling, struggling to keep from crying as she slowly wiped the goop from her eyes. Vaguely in the background, she could make out Abby saying something about almost dying. 

 

Erin was straining to hear any of her friends, trying to understand why they sounded as if they were  underwater. She jerked in shock at Holtzmann, able to make out clearly the words it was awesome in response to Abby. The scientist felt herself begin to tremble a little less and slowly stood up straight. It was almost as if she was a computer rebooting itself after a blue screen of death, stuck in safety mode. She couldn’t feel a thing, barely realizing that she had opened her mouth to say she was heading home to change and would meet them back at headquarters. 

 

Somehow, she can feel her feet move as she headed towards her apartment, shoes growing uncomfortably wet as slime trickled down to pool in them. Erin didn’t remember climbing the stairs to her fourth floor apartment or heading into her bathroom. When she finally was able to feel the sharp pain of the razor cutting into her flesh, she was crumbled up in her impossibly small tub. Her throat was dry as she stared at both arms, trying to ignore that most of her forearms were covered in blood. 

 

Moving to get out of the tub, she winced at feeling a sharp pain in her abdomen and looked down. Her stomach was smeared with blood and somewhat deep cuts, causing her to wince every time she tried to straighten her body. Gritting her teeth, the brunette jerked upwards, letting out a small cry and nearly doubling over. She planted one hand on the wall while her other hand gingerly touched the ripped skin of her stomach. Her fingers came away red with blood and stared at it. 

 

It was strange to her to think that less than a hour ago, she couldn't feel anything. But, here she was, in pain and clearly covered in blood, alive. A dark chuckle left her lips wondering just how fucked up she had to be if this was her method of seeing if she was alive. Erin slowly managed to get the shower started, wincing as the hot water made her cut sting. It took several moments to get her shoes and skirt off, not caring if her skirt and underwear were soaked, landing with a splat onto the tile of her bathroom. 

 

She stood under the spray of hot water, wincing as it turned her skin a bright pink. Erin watched as the blood slowly swirled down the drain, wondering if she stayed here long enough, would her body melt and disappear down the drain as well. 

  
  


\----

 

It took her only thirty minutes to clean up and get her stomach and arms bandaged. Erin made sure her outfit hid all of her bandages before returning to their headquarters. Thankfully, Abby and Holtz didn’t seem to notice that she’d been gone for two hours, too absorbed with their work. If she'd looked over, she would've noticed Holtzmann’s frown while the physicist set her purse in her work space area. 

 

Erin could feel her frustration returning as she checked the upload of their latest video after Abby asked her to come take a look. Why didn't people believe her? They had proof, none of this was fake. She wasn't even aware that she was digging her nails into her palms until she moved to stop Abby from, as Holtzmann mumbled, “feeding the trolls.”  Her mind hoped that she could get back to work with Abby on figuring out why there were ghosts popping up in the tunnels and who was putting strange devices in the tunnel as well along with how it connected to the strange man Patty had seen. Along with stealing the coffee that Kevin had made, trying to tell herself that it was because his lips touched it, not as a way to distract from the way Holtzmann was looking at her.  

 

At least, she would’ve if Patty hadn’t piped up about what the man and what he had said to her about the Fourth Cataclysm. She nearly jumped out of her skin when Patty started talking.  The scientist tried to protest when the former subway worker said she was joining but was quickly over-ruled when Patty said that she had a car. As much as Erin wanted to continue to protest,  but Holtzmann’s desperate plea for a car stopped her. Also, the  fact that Patty knew her way around New York seemed to sway Abby.  Patty stated she’d be back in less than an hour with a car and Erin ran to the bathroom, mumbling about too much coffee. 

She barely managed to lock the door before sinking to the floor, wrapping her arms around her knees. Erin struggled to keep from wheezing and pressed her forehead against her knees, not caring how her stomach sent a wave of pain through her in protest, stretching the gashes in her skin. She couldn’t give a damn as she bit her lip hard to keep from letting a whimper escape. Why did they have to add Patty? What was so wrong with the little triad that she, Holtz, and Abby had formed? 

 

Erin screwed her eyes shut as her mind races through every possibility as to why this happened before settling on the only conclusion that her frenzied mind can reach. She’s what is wrong. Screwed up Erin, the girl with the fucked up brain. Ghost Girl who can’t do one simple damn thing right. No wonder they wanted to replace her with Patty, who wouldn’t?

 

“ Shut up!” She snapped at the storm in her mind, punching the floor without thinking and whimpers as pain, sharp and throbbing as it travels from the nerve endings in her knuckles, silences everything for a moment. Carefully, she rose to her feet and stared at herself in the mirror. Erin studied herself, wondering if there was some sort of formula to make it seem as if she was not a total and utter fuck up. 

 

Her hands shook as she turned and walked towards the door. Hopefully, Abby and Holtzmann were still absorbed in their work or talking about their new and perfect fourth teammate. She nearly yelped in surprise when Holtzmann was standing in the doorway with her hand raised, almost as if she was about to knock. 

 

“Hey, Patty’s here with the car, come on!” Holtz exclaimed and headed towards the door, determined to see what sort of car they got. Erin just nodded, following along behind her, trying to make sure that she kept a smile on her face. The team wouldn’t get rid of her, would they? Her hands clenched and unclenched as she made her way downstairs, trying to pull it together and praying no one would notice. 

 

\---- 

 

What transpired was not at all what she expected. Patty had managed to get them a car but it was a hearse. She couldn’t help but snort at the irony of it. Paranormal researches driving around in a hearse, to study and hopefully capture a ghost to prove they weren’t crazy.  She hoped no one heard her as she looked at the car before Abby’s question reminded her of why a hearse might not be the best car for them. 

 

“Did you check to see if there was a body in the back?” She felt her eyes widen at the idea that there might be a dead body in the car. Her heart started to race not wanting to deal with a dead body. However, she was pulled out of her thoughts by Holtzmann. 

 

“ I can think of seven uses of a cadaver today. “ Erin couldn’t help but have a small smile at the comment and the resulting argument that Patty and Holtzmann had over what to do with a cadaver if there was one. Her hand moved to adjust the red sweater vest that she wore and frowned when it felt wet. Subtly, she pulled it up to reveal a blood stain on her shirt. Erin could feel her heart hammering against her ribs as she subtly made her way back to the bathroom. 

 

Once inside Erin looked at her shirt again, discovering the stain had grown and now the top of her skirt was stained as well. Cursing, she stripped out of both items and turned the sink on, hoping the cold water would get rid of the stain before it set. Letting them soak for a few moment, she bandaged her stomach, grateful that the bleeding from her cuts had stopped. The scientist scrubbed her clothes, hoping that the stains would come out. 

 

Erin would’ve continued if the door to the bathroom hadn’t swung open. Cursing, she screamed out, “ Fuck!” and quickly hid herself in the shower, peeking her head out from behind the shower curtain. 

 

“Woah, I’m sorry.” Holtzmann said, giving the brunette an apologetic grin before chuckling, not quite turning her piercing gaze away from Erin. 

 

“Think we might need to get a swear jar and a sign that says shower in use. Although, didn’t think anyone used it but me.” The blonde said with a grin before raising her eyebrow at Erin’s wet clothes inside the sink. 

 

“Dude...what happened to your clothes?” Erin swallowed before squeaking out an answer. 

 

“Pizza sauce.” Holtzmann just raised an eyebrow at her causing Erin to blush before speaking again. 

 

“ I got pizza sauce on them at lunch and I’m trying to clean them.” She hoped that the blonde would accept the lie and wouldn’t push the issue anymore. Erin watched as the blonde walked out of the bathroom, leaving her alone and trying to process what had just happened.  Before she could get out of the shower and try to continue to clean her clothes, Holtz returned, setting down a small bundle of clothes. 

 

“Here,” The blonde mumbled before monologuing in a rapid monotone fashion that she would've sworn was Holtz panicking. 

 

“The shirt and jeans are an ex’s but they were around your size and umm, since you were cold earlier, figured you could borrow my sweatshirt.” With that, Holtzmann turned around and nearly left the room before Erin found her voice. 

 

“Holtzmann?” She tried to sound less like an insecure mess and someone who wasn’t fucked up six ways to Sunday. 

 

“Yep?” Holtz turned to her, a curious glint in her blue eyes as Erin stammered out her words. 

 

“Thank you. For the clothes, I mean. You’re-thank you.” The brunette smiled, hoping it looked less awkward than it felt. Holtzmann just grinned, giving her a two fingered salute. 

  
“It’s no problem, darlin’.” And with that, she left Erin alone, gently shutting the door behind her. Erin slowly got out of the shower and picked up the bundle of clothes, holding them to her chest as a small smile settled on her lips.   



End file.
